VOTE EARTH 2009: Switch Off Your Lights on March 28, 2009/8:30 PM

1. Never give a woman any kind of household appliance or something that is going to make “housework” easier. For instance, a blender, a toaster, a new vacuum, one of those mops they advertise on TV that does everything but suck the life out of you, anything in a infomercial. The only wise choice is a new washing machine with a turbo spin cycle. (Makes laundry day go by pretty fast when you can at least sit on it during spin-dry and end up smiling the rest of the day.)

2. Any bulk cleaning supplies, “honey, I got you that large box of Tide you have been wanting.” “This Windex should last you a while.” “I got a good deal on the industrial strength toilet bowl cleaner.” All I can say is, be prepared to run. I have faith that if you would have at least stopped and thought about what would be a much more intimate gift, you would have had the sense to spring for the $5 Chia Pet you were eyeing in Kmart.

3. Any sharp objects made by Ronco which slices or dices, or a set of ginsu knives. These may one day be used as a weapon against you when you come home with lipstick on your collar after a “night out with the boys.”

4. Do not buy gifts for yourself and pretend they are for her. “Honey, I’m sure you’ll get a lot of use out of the new drill I bought you.” By then she will have put it to good use by drilling a quarter inch hole into the side of your skull for even thinking she would accept such a lame gift. After a gift like this, you probably won’t be around for NEXT Christmas.

5. Any lingerie made of flannel, such as a pair of feet pajamas with a trap door in back. A Little Mermaid or Barney cartoon character nightgown. It gives her idea that you do not consider her the sexy woman that she is. Take out that wallet and buy her something sexy from Victoria Secret (just like you did for your mistress or other girlfriend.

6. No name perfume, which costs you $1.99, such as Eu de Toilet, which actually smells like the bathroom, moldy fruit, or your dirty socks. If you are going to buy her perfume, spring for the brand names.

7. Any type of cubic zirconia jewelry you see on the Home Shopping Network. It will be quite embarrassing when she is showing off that fabulous diamond to her friends and tries to cut glass with it. (We actually test them you know.) Also, now would not be a good time to buy her that set of diamond nipple clamps you always wanted to, you know how we like to show off our jewelry and it could get embarrassing at the New Year’s party when she decides to show them off to your buddies.

8. Please do not buy her clothes because you think for one minute you have good taste in woman’s clothing. Well, perhaps you might if you are a transvestite, but all in all, believe me, she’ll smile and say its beautiful while choking back tears and mumbling under her breath, “were the hell would I ever wear this outfit without being arrested for bad taste?” An additional hint, plaids do not go with stripes (even though you think your golfing outfit looks just fine). It’s a known fact to the rest of the world that that is a taboo. In the Northeast, that’s like wearing white after Labor Day.

9. Do not give her a gift certificate to Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers. Most men would know better, especially the ones who have learned the correct response to “do these pants make me look fat.” If you are one of the poor souls who still doesn’t get it and purchased a gift like this, be prepared for the silent treatment for a month. (Although that may be something you would actually look forward to.) A better alternative would be hiring a Chippendale dancer as a personal trainer to get her motivated into getting fit.

10. Last but not least, never buy a woman anti-wrinkle cream, or a book like “recipe or cook books”. These are not considered gifts, they are considered reasons for seriously injuring the person who bought it and just may stand up in court of law.

1. Sasayaw sa likod ng puno ng buko pag nasa beach yung scene. Alternate pa ‘yung mga ulo nila.

2. ‘Yung kontrabida yayakap sa bida, sabay taas ng kilay at ngingisi.

3. Uuwi ang bida na may dalang pancit sa kanyang nanay na si Anita Linda. Tatawagin nito ang mga bata para kumain, at kakamustahin ng bida ang pag-aaral habang kumakain ng pancit. Biglang may titigil na sasakyan sa harap ng bahay at pauulanan ng baril ang pamilya! Mamamatay si Anita Linda, at sisigaw ang bida ng “Inaaay!” at mangangakong ipaghihiganti ito. Moral lesson: Ang pansit nagdadala ng malas – nakakamatay.

4. Pag may magkaribal na babae, yung mabait deretcho ang buhok at may bangs. Yung salbahe, laging kulot.

5. Sa pinoy action movies, ang bida hindi nauubusan ng bala.

6. Sa pinoy action movies, kapag tumakbo ang bida, sa lupa lahat ang tama ng bala ng kalaban.

7. Kapag may angry mob na pupunta sa bahay-kubo ng manananggal, si Vangie Labalan ang laging lider.

8. Alam mong moment of truth na ng bida kapag sinabi na niya ‘yung title ng pelikula.

9. Ang tawag ng kontrabida sa mga goons niya, “Mga bata.”

10. ‘Yung nakababatang kapatid ng bida habang naglalaro ng bola, mabibitawan at mapupunta sa gitna ng kalsada. Tapos may darating na sasakyan, tapos itutulak siya ng bida. ‘Yung bida naman ang nasa gita ng kalsada. Biglang may sasakyang darating. Ang bida, ico-cross lang niya arms niya covering his face tapos sisigaw ‘yung kapatid ng ‘kuyaaa!’ … Next scene nasa ospital na sila. Simula na ng drama.

11. Kapag bakbakan, hindi nasasaktan ang bida, pero umaaray siya pag ginagamot na siya ng leading lady, at kasunod na ang love scene.

12. Kapag sinabi ng kontrabida ang masama niyang plano sa bida, ang sasabihin ng bida: “hayop ka!”

13. Ang bidang babae, pag katulong ang role, siguradong magiging anak ng amo niya sa ending.

14. Ang nanay ng mayaman laging may pamaypay na pangmayaman, at ang nanay ng mahirap laging naka duster.

15. Ang hideout ng kontrabida, parating mansion na may chicks sa pool.

16. Ang mga bida sa drama, pag nakatanggap ng masamang balita, laging may pinto sa likod nila para puwede silang sumandal habang nagi-slide dahan-dahan pababa, tapos todo iyak with matching uhog.

17. Pag di nahuli ng mga goons ang bida, sasabihin ng boss sa kanila, “Mga inutil!”

18. Laging nakakapulot ng baril na may bala ang bida kapag kinakailangan niya.

19. Laging mas maganda ang yayang bida kesa sa kontrabidang anak ng amo niya.

20. Pag ang ending ng movie ay song and dance number sa beach o resort, ang huling frame, tatalon ang buong cast… sabay freeze.

Pag dating ni Lando sa bahay, sabi ni Tekya, ang asawa niya,  

  “Sweetheart, delayed ako ng isang buwan. Kagagaling ko  

  lang sa doktor. Pero huwag mong sabihin kahit kanino, baka  

  mapahiya lang ako kapag di nagkatotoo.”  

  Kinaumagahan, merong dumating na taga-Meralco.  

  Pagbukas ng pinto, sabi niya, “Ale, delayed ho kayo ng isang buwan.”

  “Kanino mo nalaman ito?” tanong ni Tekya.  

  “Nandito ho nakasulat sa records namin,” sagot ng  

  taga-Meralco.  

  “Talaga? Nakasulat sa records ninyo?”  

  Sa sumunod na araw, si Lando ay dumating galit na  

  galit sa counter ng Meralco.  

  “Paano niyo nalaman na delayed ng isang buwan ang  

  misis ko?  

  “Konting pasensya lang. Kung gusto niyong mawala sa  

  records namin ito, magbayad na lang kayo,” sagot ng isang  

  empleyado.  

  “Eh, kung ayaw kong magbayad?” tanong ni Lando.  

  “Puputulan ho kayo,” sagot ng empleyado.  

  “Kung puputulan ako, anong gagamitin ng misis ko?”  

  “Pwede naman siyang gumamit ng kandila di ba?”

I’ve learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I’ve learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.

I’ve learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I’ve learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you’d better have a big willy or huge boobs.

I’ve learned that you shouldn’t compare yourself to others – they are more screwed up than you think.

I’ve learned that you can keep vomitting long after  you think you’re finished.

I’ve learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I’ve learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place!

I’ve learned that 99% of the time when something isn’t working in your house, one of your kids did it.

I’ve learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

Pass this along to 5 friends.. trust me. They’ll appreciate it. Who knows, maybe something good will happen.

If not… tough shit.

The pictures attached are used to test the level of stress a person can   handle.

One teacher said, “I felt like they were all moving…but slowly. Kind of  like, they were breathing.”

The slower the pictures move, the better your ability of handling stress.

Alleged criminals that were tested see them spinning around madly; however,  senior citizens and kids see them standing still.

FYI … None of these images are animated – they are perfectly static!

And this touching little poem, too, reportedly written by an African child and was nominated for the Best Poem in 2005, forwarded to me by The STAR night editor Sonny Mirasol: 

Wen i born, 

i black. 

Wen I grow up, 

i black. 

Wen I scared, 

i black. 

Wen i sick, 

i black. 

when i die, 

i still black. 

And u white fella, 

wen u born, 

you pink. 

wen u grow up, 

u white. 

wen u go in the sun, 

u red. 

wen u cold, 

u blue. 

Wen u scared, 

u yellow 

Wen u sick, 

u green. 

Wen u die, 

u gray. 

And u calling me colored? 

(Come to think of it, ‘no?)