10 Worst Gifts to Buy a Woman March 13, 2009
Posted by Anton in Romantic, Witty Humor.add a comment
1. Never give a woman any kind of household appliance or something that is going to make “housework” easier. For instance, a blender, a toaster, a new vacuum, one of those mops they advertise on TV that does everything but suck the life out of you, anything in a infomercial. The only wise choice is a new washing machine with a turbo spin cycle. (Makes laundry day go by pretty fast when you can at least sit on it during spin-dry and end up smiling the rest of the day.)
2. Any bulk cleaning supplies, “honey, I got you that large box of Tide you have been wanting.” “This Windex should last you a while.” “I got a good deal on the industrial strength toilet bowl cleaner.” All I can say is, be prepared to run. I have faith that if you would have at least stopped and thought about what would be a much more intimate gift, you would have had the sense to spring for the $5 Chia Pet you were eyeing in Kmart.
3. Any sharp objects made by Ronco which slices or dices, or a set of ginsu knives. These may one day be used as a weapon against you when you come home with lipstick on your collar after a “night out with the boys.”
4. Do not buy gifts for yourself and pretend they are for her. “Honey, I’m sure you’ll get a lot of use out of the new drill I bought you.” By then she will have put it to good use by drilling a quarter inch hole into the side of your skull for even thinking she would accept such a lame gift. After a gift like this, you probably won’t be around for NEXT Christmas.
5. Any lingerie made of flannel, such as a pair of feet pajamas with a trap door in back. A Little Mermaid or Barney cartoon character nightgown. It gives her idea that you do not consider her the sexy woman that she is. Take out that wallet and buy her something sexy from Victoria Secret (just like you did for your mistress or other girlfriend.
6. No name perfume, which costs you $1.99, such as Eu de Toilet, which actually smells like the bathroom, moldy fruit, or your dirty socks. If you are going to buy her perfume, spring for the brand names.
7. Any type of cubic zirconia jewelry you see on the Home Shopping Network. It will be quite embarrassing when she is showing off that fabulous diamond to her friends and tries to cut glass with it. (We actually test them you know.) Also, now would not be a good time to buy her that set of diamond nipple clamps you always wanted to, you know how we like to show off our jewelry and it could get embarrassing at the New Year’s party when she decides to show them off to your buddies.
8. Please do not buy her clothes because you think for one minute you have good taste in woman’s clothing. Well, perhaps you might if you are a transvestite, but all in all, believe me, she’ll smile and say its beautiful while choking back tears and mumbling under her breath, “were the hell would I ever wear this outfit without being arrested for bad taste?” An additional hint, plaids do not go with stripes (even though you think your golfing outfit looks just fine). It’s a known fact to the rest of the world that that is a taboo. In the Northeast, that’s like wearing white after Labor Day.
9. Do not give her a gift certificate to Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers. Most men would know better, especially the ones who have learned the correct response to “do these pants make me look fat.” If you are one of the poor souls who still doesn’t get it and purchased a gift like this, be prepared for the silent treatment for a month. (Although that may be something you would actually look forward to.) A better alternative would be hiring a Chippendale dancer as a personal trainer to get her motivated into getting fit.
10. Last but not least, never buy a woman anti-wrinkle cream, or a book like “recipe or cook books”. These are not considered gifts, they are considered reasons for seriously injuring the person who bought it and just may stand up in court of law.
The Top Twenty Signs That You’re Watching A Pinoy Movie March 12, 2009
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1. Sasayaw sa likod ng puno ng buko pag nasa beach yung scene. Alternate pa ‘yung mga ulo nila.
2. ‘Yung kontrabida yayakap sa bida, sabay taas ng kilay at ngingisi.
3. Uuwi ang bida na may dalang pancit sa kanyang nanay na si Anita Linda. Tatawagin nito ang mga bata para kumain, at kakamustahin ng bida ang pag-aaral habang kumakain ng pancit. Biglang may titigil na sasakyan sa harap ng bahay at pauulanan ng baril ang pamilya! Mamamatay si Anita Linda, at sisigaw ang bida ng “Inaaay!” at mangangakong ipaghihiganti ito. Moral lesson: Ang pansit nagdadala ng malas – nakakamatay.
4. Pag may magkaribal na babae, yung mabait deretcho ang buhok at may bangs. Yung salbahe, laging kulot.
5. Sa pinoy action movies, ang bida hindi nauubusan ng bala.
6. Sa pinoy action movies, kapag tumakbo ang bida, sa lupa lahat ang tama ng bala ng kalaban.
7. Kapag may angry mob na pupunta sa bahay-kubo ng manananggal, si Vangie Labalan ang laging lider.
8. Alam mong moment of truth na ng bida kapag sinabi na niya ‘yung title ng pelikula.
9. Ang tawag ng kontrabida sa mga goons niya, “Mga bata.”
10. ‘Yung nakababatang kapatid ng bida habang naglalaro ng bola, mabibitawan at mapupunta sa gitna ng kalsada. Tapos may darating na sasakyan, tapos itutulak siya ng bida. ‘Yung bida naman ang nasa gita ng kalsada. Biglang may sasakyang darating. Ang bida, ico-cross lang niya arms niya covering his face tapos sisigaw ‘yung kapatid ng ‘kuyaaa!’ … Next scene nasa ospital na sila. Simula na ng drama.
11. Kapag bakbakan, hindi nasasaktan ang bida, pero umaaray siya pag ginagamot na siya ng leading lady, at kasunod na ang love scene.
12. Kapag sinabi ng kontrabida ang masama niyang plano sa bida, ang sasabihin ng bida: “hayop ka!”
13. Ang bidang babae, pag katulong ang role, siguradong magiging anak ng amo niya sa ending.
14. Ang nanay ng mayaman laging may pamaypay na pangmayaman, at ang nanay ng mahirap laging naka duster.
15. Ang hideout ng kontrabida, parating mansion na may chicks sa pool.
16. Ang mga bida sa drama, pag nakatanggap ng masamang balita, laging may pinto sa likod nila para puwede silang sumandal habang nagi-slide dahan-dahan pababa, tapos todo iyak with matching uhog.
17. Pag di nahuli ng mga goons ang bida, sasabihin ng boss sa kanila, “Mga inutil!”
18. Laging nakakapulot ng baril na may bala ang bida kapag kinakailangan niya.
19. Laging mas maganda ang yayang bida kesa sa kontrabidang anak ng amo niya.
20. Pag ang ending ng movie ay song and dance number sa beach o resort, ang huling frame, tatalon ang buong cast… sabay freeze.
Ang Kandila March 1, 2009
Posted by Anton in Witty Humor.1 comment so far
Pag dating ni Lando sa bahay, sabi ni Tekya, ang asawa niya,
“Sweetheart, delayed ako ng isang buwan. Kagagaling ko
lang sa doktor. Pero huwag mong sabihin kahit kanino, baka
mapahiya lang ako kapag di nagkatotoo.”
Kinaumagahan, merong dumating na taga-Meralco.
Pagbukas ng pinto, sabi niya, “Ale, delayed ho kayo ng isang buwan.”
“Kanino mo nalaman ito?” tanong ni Tekya.
“Nandito ho nakasulat sa records namin,” sagot ng
taga-Meralco.
“Talaga? Nakasulat sa records ninyo?”
Sa sumunod na araw, si Lando ay dumating galit na
galit sa counter ng Meralco.
“Paano niyo nalaman na delayed ng isang buwan ang
misis ko?
“Konting pasensya lang. Kung gusto niyong mawala sa
records namin ito, magbayad na lang kayo,” sagot ng isang
empleyado.
“Eh, kung ayaw kong magbayad?” tanong ni Lando.
“Puputulan ho kayo,” sagot ng empleyado.
“Kung puputulan ako, anong gagamitin ng misis ko?”
“Pwede naman siyang gumamit ng kandila di ba?”
As I Mature February 28, 2009
Posted by Anton in Chain Mail, Light Bulb Moments, Witty Humor.add a comment
I’ve learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
I’ve learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.
I’ve learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
I’ve learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you’d better have a big willy or huge boobs.
I’ve learned that you shouldn’t compare yourself to others – they are more screwed up than you think.
I’ve learned that you can keep vomitting long after you think you’re finished.
I’ve learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
I’ve learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place!
I’ve learned that 99% of the time when something isn’t working in your house, one of your kids did it.
I’ve learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.
Pass this along to 5 friends.. trust me. They’ll appreciate it. Who knows, maybe something good will happen.
If not… tough shit.
Ganito Magbigay ng Masamang Balita January 20, 2009
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KUMIRIRING ang telepono nang madaling araw….
“Hello, Master Carlos? Si Arnaldo po ito, yung katiwala niyo sa
bahay-bakasyunan niyo.”
“O, Mr. Arnaldo, ikaw pala. Ano’t napatawag ka? May problema ba?
“Um, napatawag lang po ako para abisuhan kayo na namatay ang alaga niyong
parrot.”
“‘Yung parrot kong si Pikoy, patay? Yung nanalo sa bird show?
“Opo, Master Carlos, ‘yun na nga po.”
“Putris … sayang! Ang laki pa naman ng nagastos ko sa ibong ‘yon. Hay,
buhay! Teka, ano nga ba ang ikinamatay niya?”
“E, kumain po kasi ng bulok na karne….”
“Bulok na karne? At sino namang salbaheng tao ang nagpakain sa kanya ng
bulok na karne?”
“W-Wala po. Nanginain po siya ng karne ng isang patay na kabayo.”
“Patay na kabayo? Anong patay na kabayo, Mr Arnaldo?”
“E, ‘yun pung mga thoroughbred horses niyo, Sir. Namatay po kasi lahat sila
sa pagod, kahihila ng kariton ng tubig.”
“Nasisiraan ka na ba ng bait? Anong kariton ng tubbbiiiiggggg?”
“‘Yun pong pinampatay namin ng sunog.”
“Diyos ko po! Anong sunog naman ‘yang pinagsasasabi mo?”
“‘Yun pong halos tumupok sa bahay niyo…. Tumumba po ‘yung isang
nakasinding kandila, tapos nagliyab ‘yung kurtina at mabilis na kumalat ang
apoy….”
“Ano? Puuut…. E, may kuryente naman diyan sa bahay-bakasyunan, a. Para
saan yung kandila?”
“Para sa burol po.”
“Ano? Kaninong burol?”
“Sa nanay n’yo po, Sir. Bigla kasi siya dumating dito nu’ng isang gabi,
walang kaabi-abiso. Lampas hatinggabi na. Akala ko po magnanakaw. Binaril
ko.”
The Anti-Stress Song December 12, 2008
Posted by Anton in PowerPoint, Witty Humor.add a comment
Just click on the image (which leads to a powerpoint file) and follow the instructions carefully.
Make sure you turn your volume up.
Relax and enjoy!
Kokology-ish Personality Test December 8, 2008
Posted by Anton in Chain Mail, Quizzes, Witty Humor.add a comment
Take this fun personality test and forward to your closest friends!
Family Problem December 6, 2008
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Two men met at a bus stop and struck up a conversation. One of them kept complaining of family problems.
Finally the other man said: “You think you have family problems? Listen to my situation. A few years ago I met a young widow with a grown up daughter. We got married and I got myself a step-daughter. Later, my father married my step-daughter. That made my step daughter my step-mother. And my father became my step-son. Also my wife became mother-in-law of her father-in-law. Much later the daughter of my wife, my step-mother, had a son. This boy was my half brother because he was my father’s son. But he was also the son of my wife’s daughter which made him my wife’s grand-son. That made me the grandfather of my half brother. This was nothing until my wife and I had a son. Now the half sister of my son, my step-mother, is also his grandmother. This makes my father the brother-in-law of my child, whose step-sister is my father’s wife. I am my step-mother’s brother-in-law, my wife is her own child’s aunt, my son is my father’s nephew and I am my OWN GRAND FATHER!!!!!!!!!!
And you think you have FAMILY PROBLEMS!!!!!!!!!
English-Pinoy Dictionary July 20, 2008
Posted by Anton in Witty Humor.add a comment
Contemplate- kulang ang mga pinggan
Punctuation- pera para maka-enrol
Ice buko- ayos buhok ko?
Tenacious- sapatos na pang tennis
Calculator- tawagan kita mamaya
Devastation- sakayan ng bus
Protestand- tindahan ng prutas
Statue- ikaw ba yan?
Tissue- ikaw nga!
Predicate- pakawalan mo ang pusa
Dedicated- pinatay ang pusa
Aspect- pantusok o pandurog ng yelo
Deduct- ang pato
Defeat- ang paa (ng pato?)
Detail- ang buntot(ng pato?)
Deposit- Gripo (call DIPLOMA if DEPOSIT is leaking)
City- bago mag- utso!
Cattle- doon nakatila ang hali at leyna
Persuading- unang kasal
Depress- ang nagkasal sa PERSUADING
Defense- ginagamit na mga pangsulat sa kontrata sa PERSUADING
It depends- kainin mo ang bakod
Shampoo- bago mag labing-isha(11)
Delusion- maluwang (kapag maluwang ang damit,eh DELUSION)
Delivery- walang bayad. Kapag working lunch, eh DELIVERY na ang tanghalian.
Profit- patunayan mo
Balance sheet- what comes out after eating a balance diet
Backlog- bacon saka egg
Beehive- magpakatino ka
CD-ROM- tingnan mo ang kwarto
Debug- ang ipis
Defrag- ang palaka
Defense- ang bakod
Defer - ang balahibo
Deflate- ang plato
Detest- ang eksamin
Devalue- yon ang susunod sa letrang V
Devote- ang boto
Dilemma- brownout!..a!!!(dilim a!)
Effort- dun nagla-land ang efflane
July- nagsisinungaling ka ba?
Thesis- ito ay…
Devastation- kung saan ka kukuha ng bus!
Havaianas Vs. Spartans July 18, 2008
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Pangalan: Havaianas
Lugar na pinanggalingan: São Paulo, Brazil
Pagbigkas:
ah-vai-YAH-nas (Brazilian Portuguese)
hah-vee-ah-naz (American English)
OMG!-hAH- va- yaH-naZz!! (Filipino)
Materyal na ginamit: Malupit na goma (High-quality rubber).
Presyo: Hindi ko alam. Ganito na lang,
1 pares ng Havaianas = 100 pares ng Spartan.
Mga nagsusuot: Mga konyotik at mga mayaman.
Malulupit na katangian at kakayahan:
- Masarap isuot.
- ‘Shock-absorbent ‘
- Malambot ngunit matibay.
- Makukuha sa sandamakmak na kulay, disenyo at burloloy.
- Maaaring isuot sa loob ng Starbucks.
- Mainam na pang-japorms.
- Mainam i-terno sa I-Pod at Caramel Macchiato.
- Mapipilitan kang maglinis ng mga kuko mo sa paa.
- Maaari ka nang mag-dikwatro sa loob ng mga pampublikong lugar at sasakyan.
- Magiging ‘fashionable’ ka kapag ikaw ay nagkukuyakoy.
Olats na mga katangian:
Mahal!
Mahal!
Mahal!
_____ _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ __
Pangalan: Spartan
Lugar na Pinanggalingan: Metro Manila , Philippines
Pagbigkas:
spar-tan (American English),
is-par-tan (Filipino).
Materyal na ginamit: Pipitsuging goma (Low-quality rubber).
Presyo: Wala pang 50 pesos.
Isang pares ng Spartan = 20 piraso ng pan de coco.
Mga nagsusuot: Ako at ang masa! Nyahaha!
Malulupit na katangian at kakayahan:
- Maaring ipampatay sa ipis.
- Maaring ipampalo sa mga batang suwail at damuho.
- Pwedeng ipanglusong sa baha at putikan.
- Pwedeng ipamalengke.
- Mainam gamitin sa tumbang-preso.
- Mainam gawing ’shield’ kapag naglalaro ng espa-espadahan.
- Mainam isuot sa siko bilang proteksyon habang naglalaro ng piko.
- Mainam na pambato sa picha o shuttlecock na sumabit sa puno.
- Mainam na pangkulob sa pumuputok na watusi.
- Kapag ginupit-gupit nang pahugis ‘cube,’ e maaari mo nang
gawing pamato sa larong Bingo na kadalasang makikita sa mga lamay ng patay).
Olats na mga katangian:
* Madaling magkawalaan kapag hinubad dahil halos pare-pareho lang ang hisura.
* Masakit isuot kapag may mga balahibo ang mga daliri mo sa paa.
* Minsan kapag ipinambato mo ito sa picha o shuttlecock na nakasabit sa puno, e nadadamay pati yung tsinelas.
