Email Spotting

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary.
As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife
asked the husband, “When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what
was going through your mind?”

The husband replied, “All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and
suck your tits dry.”

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, “What are you thinking now?”

He replied, “It looks as if I did a pretty good job.”

_____

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically
and announces, “If I’m going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman.”

She removes all her clothing and asks, “Is there someone on this plane who
is man enough to make me feel like a woman?”

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, “Here, iron this!”.

_____

One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a
strange little man at the bottom of her garden.

“You’re a goblin,” she says, “I caught you and you owe me three wishes!”.

So the goblin replies “OK, you caught me fair and square, what’s your
first wish?” . The woman stops and thinks for a second, “I want a huge
mansion to live in.” , goblins replies “OK, you’ve got it.”. Woman again
thinks it over, “My second wish is a Mercedes.” “OK, you’ve got that too.”
“My last wish is a million dollars!”. The goblin then says “OK, you’ve got
it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with
me.” “OK then, if that’s what it takes…”

Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.

“Tell me,” says the man, “how old are you?” “I’m 27″, she replies

“Fuck me”, says the man, “27 and you still believe in goblins”

_____

The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the
bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.

He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, “Put
those on.”

The bride replies, “I can’t wear your trousers.”

He replies, “And don’t forget that! I will always wear the pants in the
family!”

The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same
request, “Try those on!”

He replies,”I can’t get into your knickers!”

“And you never bloody will if you don’t change your attitude.”

_____

How are women and tornadoes alike?

They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.

_____

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So,
he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to
take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The
elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the
lid was on it.

Doctor: What was the problem?

Elderly man: Well, you see I tried with my right hand…nothing. So, I
tried with my left hand…nothing. My wife tried with her right
hand…nothing. Her left hand…nothing. Her mouth…nothing. Then my
wife’s friend’s tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth….still nothing.

Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife’s friend too?!

Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn’t get the lid off of the specimen cup.

_____

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun.
He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She
says “But sir, its just a sperm bank!”, “I don’t care, open it now!!!” he
replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm
samples. The guy says “Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!”, she
looks at him “BUT, they are sperm samples???” , “DO IT!”. So the nurse
sucks it back. “That one there, drink that one as well.”, so the nurse
drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski
mask and says, “See honey - its not that hard.”

_____

There are four kinds of sex :

HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in
every room.

BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex
in the bedroom.

HALL SEX - After you’ve been married for many, many years you just pass
each other in the hall and say “FUCK YOU”

COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce
court in front of many people for every penny you’ve got.

_____

This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is
bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism
goes right out the window…

He tells her to take her pants off, she does, and he starts rubbing her
thighs.

“Do you know what I am doing?” asks the doctor?

“Yes, checking for abnormalities.” she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor
begins rubbing her breasts and asks, “Do you know what I am doing now?”,
she replies, “Yes, checking for cancer.”

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets
on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, “Do you know
what I am doing now?”

She replies, “Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!”

_____

This couple were in bed getting busy when the girl places the guys hand
onto her pussy. “Put your finger in me…” she asks him. So he does
without hesitation, as she starts moaning. “Put two fingers in…” , she
says. So in goes another one. She’s really starting to get worked up when
she says, “Put your whole hand in!” . The guy’s like, “Ok!”. So he has his
entire hand in, when she says moaning aloud “Put both your hands inside of
me!!!”. So the guy puts both of his hands in! “Now clap your hands…”
commands the girl. “I can’t”, says the guy. The girl looks at him and says
“See, I told you I had a tight pussy!”.

_____

A dog, a cat, and a penis are sitting around a camp fire one night. The
dog says, “My life sucks, my master makes me do my business on a fire
hydrent!”. The cat says, “I don’t think so, my master makes me do my
business in a box of cat litter.” The penis outraged, says “At least your
master doesn’t put a bag over your head and make you do push ups until you
throw up!”

_____

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest.
After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, “Damn, I
wish I had a flashlight!”. The woman says, “Me too, you’ve been eating
grass for the past ten minutes!”

_____

A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before
passionate love, the wife tells the husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still
a virgin.” The husband being shocked, replied, “How’s this possible?
You’ve been married three times before.” The wife responds, “Well, my
first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it.
My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk
about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he
wanted to do was…oh, do I miss him!”

_____

On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new
bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The
proud husband says, “My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe.”
The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished .”Oh, oh,
aaaahhh,” he exclaims, “My God you are so beautiful, let me take your
picture.” Puzzled she asks, “My picture?” He answers, “Yes my dear, so I
can carry your beauty next to my heart forever”.

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom
to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, “Why do
you wear a robe? We are married now.” At that the man opens his robe and
she exclaims, “oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture”. He beams and asks why
and she answers, “So I can get it enlarged!”

_____

John just graduated from clinical psychology and opens his first office.
After some successful advertising he is astounded to have nearly 300
people wanting to be in group therapy. John decides to rent a big hall and
invite the entire group.

To break the ice, and to get the therapy started, John decides to ask a
show of hands how often the attendees had sex. He first asks for a show of
hands of all the people who had sex almost every night. A modest number of
hands were raised. He then asks, how many had sex once a week? This time a
larger number of hands were raised. John then asks how many had sex once
or twice a month? Again a few hands were raised. After John polled his
group several more times he noticed one guy sitting off to the side with
this huge beaming grin on his face. John noticed that the guy never raised
his hand, so he asked him how often he had sex. The guy said, “Once a
year!” To John’s dismay, he responds, “Why are you so happy getting sex
only once a year?” The grinning guy responds, “Tonight’s the night!”

_____

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren’t enough rooms, so they have
to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up
and says, “I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!” The guy on
the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he’s had the same dream, too. Then
the guy in the middle wakes up and says, “That’s funny, I dreamed I was
skiing!”

_____

One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his
vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, “We’re making some
cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off.” Dave looked
at Mr. Smith and said, “Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and
three kids. I don’t know whom to fire.”

The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the
first to come in, so Dave said, “Barbara, I’ve got a problem. You see,
I’ve got to lay you or Jack off and I don’t know what to do?” Barbara
replied, “You’d better jack off. I’ve got a headache.”

_____

A blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at the local wood
mill. The manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him how he
expected to do this job since he was blind. The blind man replied he would
do it by smell. The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood
in front of him. The manager asks, “What is it without touching it?” The
blind man replies, “That’s a good piece of fir.” “Correct,” says the
manager, “now try this one.” “That’s a bad piece of willow,” says the
blind man. “Correct,” answers the manager.

With that, the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man. He get
his secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the blind mans
face. “I’m confused,” says the blind man, “Can you turn it around?” The
secretary turns around and puts her ass in his face. The blind man says,
“Oh, you’re trying to fool me! But I know exactly what kind of wood that
is. It’s the shit house door off a tuna boat!”

_____

Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he
spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he
can’t hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

He pointed to his eye meaning “I”, pointed to his knee meaning “need”,
then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the
ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and
starts masturbating.

The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground
floor and says, “What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand
saw!”.

The other guy says, “I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I’m
coming!”

_____

One day at home wife is alone and the doorbell rings.

She opens it to a guy, “Hi, is Tony home?”

The wife replies, “No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you
want.”

So they sit down and after a while of silence the friend says “You know
Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I’d give you a
hundred bucks just to see one.”

Sara thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell - a hundred
bucks! She opens her robe and shows one to him for a few seconds. He
promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit
there a while longer and guy then says “That was so amazing I’ve got to
see both of them. I’ll give you another 100 dollars if I could just see
the both of them together.”

Sara amazed by the offer sits and thinks a bit about it and thinks, heck,
why not? So she opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long chance to cop a
look.

A while later Tony arrives back home from the store. The wife goes up to
him, “You know, your friend Chris came over.”

Tony thinks about it for a second and says, “Well did he drop off the 200
bucks he owes me?”

_____

A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the
definition of the word “definitely” to them. To make sure the students
have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a
sentence. The first student raised his hand and said “The sky is
definitely blue”. The teacher said, “Well, that isn’t entirely correct,
because sometimes it’s gray and cloudy”.

Another student says, “Grass is definitely green.” The teacher again
replies “If grass doesn’t get enough water it turns brown, so that isn’t
really correct either.”

Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher “Do farts have
lumps?” The teacher looked at him and said “No…But that isn’t really a
question you want to ask in class discussion.” So the student replies,
“Then I definitely shit my pants.”

_____

Wife : “I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten
dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars.”

Husband : “How about the ones like mine?”

Wife : “Those they gave away.”

Husband : “I had a dream too…I dreamt they were auctioning off cunts.
The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones
went for two thousand.”

Wife : “And how much for the ones like mine?”

Husband : “That’s where they held the auction.”

_____

The queen of England was visiting one of Canada’s top hospitals, and
during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was
masturbating.

“Oh my god!”, said the Queen, “That’s disgraceful, what is the meaning of
this???”

The doctor leading the tour explains, “I’m sorry your ladyship, this man
has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen.
If he doesn’t do that five times a day, they would explode and he would
most likely die instantly.”

“Oh, I am sorry” said the Queen.

On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a
patient a blow job.

“Oh my God”, said the Queen, “What’s happening in there?”

The Doctor replied, “Same problem, better health plan.”

_____

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little
boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, “Grandpa,
I bet I can put that worm back in that hole.” The grandfather replies,
“I’ll bet you five dollars you can’t. It’s too wiggly and limp to put back
in that little hole.”

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair
spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The
boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather
hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the
house.

Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy
another five dollars. The little boy says, “Grandpa, you already gave me
five dollars.” The grandfather replies, “I know. That’s from your
Grandma.”

_____

Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not
paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name.

“Yeah teach?” he replies.

“If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a
shotgun, how many are left?” asks the teacher.

Matt answers “Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud
noise is gonna make them all fly off.”

“No, Matt, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I
like the way you’re thinking.” the teacher responds.

“Well, teach, I’ve got a question for you… There are 3 women that come
out of an ice-cream parlor, one is biting her ice-cream cone, one is
licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?”

The teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, “Well, uh, gee
Matt, I guess the one that’s sucking on the ice cream.”

Matt replies “No teach, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger,
but I like the way you’re thinking!”

_____

A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this…

‘Looking for man with these qualifications; won’t beat me up; or run away
from me and is great in bed.’

She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at
her door one day. The man she met said, “Hi, I’m Bob. I have no arms so I
won’t beat you up and no legs so I won’t run away.”

So the lady says, “What makes you think you are great in bed?”

Bob replies, “I rang the door bell didn’t I?”

_____

Three sisters wanted to get married, but their parents couldn’t afford it
so they had all of them on the same day. They also couldn’t afford to go
on a honeymoon so they all stayed home with their new hubbies. That night
the mother got up because she couldn’t sleep.

When she went past her oldest daughter’s room she heard screaming. Then
she went to her second daughters room and she heard laughing. Then she
went to her youngest daughter’s room and she couldn’t hear anything.

The next morning when the men left the mother asked her oldest daughter,
“Why were you screaming last night?” The daughter replied “Mom you always
told me if something hurt I should scream.”

“That’s true.” She looked at her second daughter. “Why were you laughing
so much last night?”

The daughter replied “Mom you always said that if something tickled you
should laugh.”

“That’s also true.” Then the mother looked at her youngest daughter. “Why
was it so quiet in your room last night?”

The youngest daughter replied “Mom you always told me I should never talk
with my mouth full.”

_____

A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life
by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a
handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said,
“Look, you’ve got a lot to live for. I’m off to Europe in the morning, and
if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take good care of you
and bring you food every day.” Moving closer, he slipped his arm around
her shoulder and added, “I’ll keep you happy, and you’ll keep me happy.”

The girl nodded yes, after all, what did she have to lose? That night, the
sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every
night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made
passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the
captain. ‘What are you doing here?’ the captain asked. She got up off the
ground and explained, “I have an arrangement with one of the sailors. He’s
taking me to Europe, and he’s screwing me.”

The captain looked at her, “He sure is lady, this is the Staten Island
Ferry.’